well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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