It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
