I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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