Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
