This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
