just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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