those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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