my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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