In America we eat man semen.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
