Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
