are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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