I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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