I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
