If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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