My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize