I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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