btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
