If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
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Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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