So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
