fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
