he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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