Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
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And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
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We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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