Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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