8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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