Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
