You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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