If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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