she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Randomize
