literally had 100 drinks last night.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
