remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
