I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
