I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
