i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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