What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
