I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
