Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
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There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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