Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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