You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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