if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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