So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
