...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
