Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
