I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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