I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
