the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
