just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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