this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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