Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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