My balls are so social today.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Randomize
