The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i think im in europe. pls send help
i believe in u and ur pee
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
