Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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