Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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