i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
