Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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