Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
