My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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