Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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