i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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