Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
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I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
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The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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