booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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