Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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