you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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