You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wish life had little blips of pornography
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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