Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
