well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Randomize
